WeWriWa | The CyberWorld Excerpt

Today, I’m very excited to be sharing the very first excerpt from The CyberWorld with you :DOf late, I’ve been rewriting it, and this is one of the snippets from my rewrite. Enjoy!

It was this dark, cold, lonely metal prison of a place that gave birth to our fake world. Fake games to keep us intrigued; fake food to keep our bellies full; a fake money system to imitate what life had been like before. And then came Bellatris Dee.
She seized the throne, organized us into cells and tore our families apart. She kept her face away from the filthy scum of the Residents, the poor who could not afford a rise in status to become her royal servants, the Creators. But her presence was everywhere. She demanded to be known, respected, revered. And so she was.

Blog Post, Idea, and Novel Excerpt Β© Sabrina Wolfheart & the Books and Bark blog

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Recently, I started rewriting The CyberWorld. It’s not that I don’t like Dear Melody, or anything, but I really want to finish The CyberWorld‘s rewrite before school reopens in August.

This scene is from the point of view of one of my main characters, Breeze. It was really hard to splice sentences together, because of her narration style, so that’s why the first sentence is a bit hard to place, because you don’t have the context. Basically, Breeze is talking about how dingy the place is just before the first sentence. So you haven’t missed anything. πŸ™‚

Well, I hope you enjoyed meeting Breeze, and her take on Bellatris, who I featured in the Character Blog Hop I did yesterday.

Happy 8Sunday!

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Blog Post, Idea, and Novel Excerpt Β© Sabrina Wolfheart & the Books and Bark blog

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26 responses to “WeWriWa | The CyberWorld Excerpt

    • Thanks πŸ™‚ Yeah, I’m a Sci-fi writer before I’m anything else, I think… Dear Melody is my first realistic fiction novel. I think most of my work reads more like this.

      I’m glad you enjoyed it πŸ˜€

      – Sabrina

  1. Intriguing and interesting, I hope there was more details on her surroundings. Why is everything fake? And if they are fake why does the character know it’s fake? I hope the next part will answer these questions – I did enjoy reading this segment and feel that along with the interesting characters this can be an awesome book! Keep writing! Look forward to a published copy! Cheers

  2. This is definitely dark. It has a very creepy and ominous vibe to it, which sets the mood. The fact that her presence is everywhere implies that there is no escape 😦 I like the second paragraph because it tells us so much about their world in just a few lines. Bellatris sounds like a dictator, and the fact that she would rip families apart on top of everything else shows how cruel she is. There also appears to be at least two classes of people, Residents, and an upper class, Creators.

    I’m wondering if the first sentence would sound better as, “It was a dark, cold, lonely metal prison that gave birth to our fake world.”

    I thought this sentence was powerful, “Fake games to keep us intrigued; fake food to keep our bellies full; a fake money system to imitate what life had been like before.” I like the use of repetition here because it just fits. I’m not sure if it’s grammatically correct? Although one can bend the rules a bit for style.

    Looking forward to reading more about this and Bellatris πŸ˜€

    • Yep, that’s the world for you: dark. Everything is under Bellatris’s control. So, yeah, pretty much no escape. Families being ripped apart. Perky isn’t it? πŸ˜› And yeah, you’re right about the two classes–I’m glad you could find out so much about the world. That’s what I was aiming for, and it’s nice to see that it’s perceived by the readers (honestly, I’d rather show, but telling, I think is more Breeze’s style).

      Oh, the first sentence might seem a little odd because before that, she was describing how terrifying the world was before Bellatris took over.

      Thanks πŸ™‚ I’m glad you liked it, and yeah, the use of repetition is definitely very Breeze. The sentence, “Fake games to keep us intrigued; fake food to keep our bellies full; a fake money system to imitate what life had been like before.” was originally three sentences: “Fake games to keep us intrigued. Fake food to keep our bellies full. A fake money system to imitate what life had been like before.”, but because of WeWriWa’s 8-sentence limit I fused them together. I don’t think it’s grammatically correct at all πŸ˜€

      I’m glad you are! Hopefully, I’ll be able to decide between this and Dear Melody for next week’s snippet. If not… I’ll be very confused. πŸ˜›

  3. Well I love to read angst XD Just something about dark and depressing worlds that I enjoy. I was telling my dad about the stories I had written recently, and he said sarcastically, “Oh, those stories sound uplifting.” XD I think you can use more emotive language with angst, it just fits.

    Ah okay, that makes sense with them as three separate sentences. Sometimes a bit of telling is needed or the reader doesn’t know what the heck is going on. You used vivid sentences to tell the reader more about the world, so I enjoyed it.

    I like how you stylistically wrote this in the style of the protagonist. I didn’t know her well enough to make that connection, but I think that’s an awesome touch πŸ™‚ I think gives the reader a greater connection to the character. I’m enjoying your snippets from both, so either way I’m looking forward to next week πŸ˜€

    • Angst is always makes a fun read πŸ˜› Dark and depressing worlds are somehow more complex and serious, but they can still be fun to read and have a little bit of laughter πŸ™‚ I love emotive language (as you can probably see from my snippets)… I enjoy giving my characters really awful backstories. I really don’t know why, and I sometimes feel bad doing it πŸ™‚

      Yes, this in particular is a science fiction novel, so I think there’s a bit more telling involved than in a realistic fiction novel. I’m glad you found my sentences “vivid”… though that might be a bit of an overstatement (and by “a bit”, I mean a lot).

      Thanks πŸ™‚ I’ve been trying to connect to her more than I did when I first wrote the novel (this is part of my revisions… it looks nothing like the original, actually πŸ˜‰ )… when I first wrote this, I was just trying to get the words out, which I think helped a lot. Well, I always enjoy it when I can say “he/she’s gonna say ____” and then they say whatever I predicted…

      Thanks πŸ™‚ I might just have to put up a poll sometime to decide πŸ˜›

        • Why thank you! πŸ˜› That makes my snippet-finding a whole lot easier… I’m so glad you find Bellatris intriguing (more intriguing than Mel? I’m surprised!) πŸ˜€

          • I think for me right now Mel is sort of this amorphous character that I would like to know, but I don’t know too much about her at this moment in time. I have a better idea of who Bellatris is and I’m curious about her motivations and what makes her tick. I think villains are often more interesting characters than the heroes/heroines. I love the crime show, Law and Order: SVU. I think my favorite episodes are the serial killer ones because there is a morbid fascination with psychopaths.

            • Well, I’d never thought of it that way. Bellatris is definitely characterised better than Mel is, because Mel is a pretty straightforward character…

              Yes, criminals are definitely very intriguing… Although I’m too much if a scardy-cat to watch any of the shows exploring their minds. πŸ˜‰

  4. Interesting description. I certainly get the idea that it is not a great place to be, especially with such a dark overbearing presence. You did a great job showing her control. Instead of telling us what the place was like in the first sentence, you might want to show it through the characters reaction to it. I’m not crazy about starting your story with “It was” and believe you have too many descriptive words. Shorter would be better. For example, “A dark, metal prison gave birth to our fake world.” Your second paragraph is stronger and introduces a scary character. Well done.

    • Thanks, Joyce! I experimented with showing instead of telling in my first draft, but I don’t think the reader gets enough information about the world fast enough if I show. It might just be me, though, so if my beta readers say that it doesn’t fit in well, I might just change it back πŸ™‚ Thankfully, this excerpt isn’t the very beginning of my story–it’s a chapter or two in, so the story starts off with the line, “It was dark and quiet in Wing 22A.” and introduces important characters and aspects of the world. I sometimes wonder about showing vs. telling, and oftentimes, I’m not sure whether its right until I finish the entire manuscript and reread it. In any case, I’m not a fan of the over-descriptive beginning either, though. πŸ˜›
      Personally, I considered making the sentences shorter, but my main character, who is narrating the story, doesn’t fit with this voice or tone. She likes to describe things with flowery language, while kind of giving it a dry, rough edge, if you know what I mean.

      I’m glad you liked Bellatris! πŸ˜€ She’s personally my favorite “villain” character.

      Thanks for the comment and constructive criticism!

      – Sabrina

  5. Interesting start. I’m wondering, is their world fake because it’s inside a computer program? Looking forward to more : )

  6. OK well my first thought was interesting concept, which I see pretty much every other commenter has said LOL so I’m not too original – but that tells you you’ve certainly got a great idea going for the premise! Intriguing snippet!

    • Well, it is true that everyone has been saying it’s an interesting concept, but I appreciate every comment I get telling me so πŸ˜‰ That’s why I reply to all of you (albeit a bit late, but I think we can ignore that, can’t we?) πŸ˜€
      Thanks… I just hope the rest of the book lives up to your expectations πŸ˜›

    • Well, sort of. :\ The book is a science fiction story set in the future, so I guess it is what the world could become… not that I’m saying that we’re headed there! πŸ˜›

    • Thanks πŸ™‚ I’m glad it piqued your interest πŸ˜€ I’m hoping to… it’s either this or my current work in progress novel, Dear Melody, and The Paper Butterfly voted for this one, so… The CyberWorld it is! Most probably πŸ˜›

  7. Pingback: WeWriWa | The CyberWorld: A Brief History | Books and Bark·

    • I’m glad you like it! I love it too πŸ˜€ (Quite obviously.) The book does seem dystopian, doesn’t it… Hmm… It’s just supposed to be science fiction, but oh, well. πŸ˜›

  8. Pingback: WeWriWa | Opening Lines | Books and Bark·

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